Bad, BAD Girl Follow-Up

I'm all done with my pre-op appointments, and surgery is in two days! I didn't gain too much weight...5 lbs. It's sad that it's a gain when it should have been a 10 lbs loss (minimum), but it isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. Nobody on the bariatric team mentioned anything about the gain. Nobody asked about how my pre-op diet went. Everything was about getting ready for surgery.

My Pre-Op Day:
-I started out getting my blood drawn...twice. They do this to verify your blood type, and I guess procedure requires your blood to be drawn twice by two different nurses. 

-Then I met with my surgeon's nurse for some surgery education (pre and post). I was with another person during this meeting. She was having the LapBand procedure done. They gave us a notebook that explains all about what to expect surgery day, hospital practices, discharge, etc. There was also specific information about preparing for surgery. Two days before surgery you have to drink a "colon cleanse," and they put you on clear liquids. This one I won't have problems doing...it's only two days and my procedure REALLY depends on it.  They also gave me an antiseptic wash that I have to use in the chest/abdomen/groin area the night before surgery and the morning of. Then there was all of the usual surgery day stuff: no nail polish, makeup, jewelry, contacts, etc.

-After that I met with the doctor (Dr. Cetin) for a check-up. He sent me down for another EKG (it had been over 9 months since my last one) and a urine test (possible UTI).

-I came back up and met with my surgeon's "Fellow." No, not fellow as in "guy friend," but he is a graduated general surgeon who is trying to specialize. Needless to say, I was a little disappointed I didn't get to meet with my surgeon. I have only met Dr Kroh once...for literally 2 minutes...about 9 months ago. I just thought it would be nice to talk with him since he will be rearranging my guts! Anyway, the "Fellow" wrote me a prescription for colon cleanser, something to prevent gallstones, a narcotic for after surgery, and an antibiotic.

-After meeting with Dr Kroh's "Fellow" (that just sounds so funny) I did what they call a "HealthQuest" test. It's a computer Q&A to prepare for the anesthesia evaluation.

-Which meant, after completing HealthQuest I did my Admit interview (insurance, identification stuff) and then met with the anesthesia nurse to complete my evaluation. She basically asked me all the same questions the HealthQuest program did. She took my vitals and made sure I could move my neck comfortably and open and close my mouth comfortably.

Through all of this nobody gave a darn about my gain (or at least they didn't say anything) or if I stuck to the pre-op diet. WHEW! I was beating myself up over nothing.

So, right now I'm sipping on a colon cleanser (as prescribed by the doctor). One word: NASTY! Tastes like salt water meets dirty-sock-water. While I am spending a lot of time on the "throne" it hasn't been as unpleasant as some have described. My irritable bowel produces WAY worse cramps and discomfort and diarrhea than this.

Tomorrow (Thursday)...all liquids until midnight, and then nothing after that.

Bad, BAD Girl!

After my 6 days of sticking to the liquids...it went downhill. I decided it would be okay to cheat one day. Then one day turned into 5 days! I have been eating regular meals...even went out to eat and haven't touched my protein in 5 days! Haven't exercised in 5 days!What in the HELL am I doing?! In two days I go for my pre-op testing and meetings. When they see my weight I'm sure they are going to kick me to the curb. Overall I've come away with a loss. However, I have gained about 6 lbs since my last weigh-in. I should have lost 10-15lbs by now on this liquid diet.

Now I'm questioning myself.

Am I meant to have this surgery if I can't even stick to the pre-op diet? Do I really deserve this now? I am totally kicking my ass over all of this and I'm in panic mode. It's like I'm trying to sabotage myself - WHY?

I'm having a hard time parting with food, but I need to keep reminding myself that I will be able to eat again. I don't ever want to eat again like I have been, but it's not like I will be on liquids the rest of my life. The liquids just seem so restrictive...and I was missing my old pal. Why do I have to feel like this about food?

Hi, my name is ---------------- and I'm a food addict!

I wish I could run. That use to be my release before I gained 150 pounds! I feel like I need to run until the craziness goes away. That would feel so good right now. But, instead I turn to food. Perhaps that is why I started eating during my liquids diet? Once again I use food as a coping tool. As my therapist has pointed out in the past...I go on "auto pilot" so I don't have to think about how I'm feeling or why I'm doing what I'm doing. I should have been seeing here during these two weeks.

Gosh, I'm just rambling and babbling.

I feel really alone right now. I read about people on OH or talk to people from my bariatric program that are doing so great in preparing for surgery. They've all lost weight. They are all focused. They are all doing what they are supposed to.

I think I'm going to go exercise and release some of this. Maybe it will help feel a little better. BLAH!