Next Friday (the 28th) I'm meeting with the program doctor. I will have my weigh-in. I'm a little nervous about that, because these past two weeks I've been on an eating rampage. I've just felt insatiable...partly because of my "monthly visitor" and the other part...well, I'm not sure. I think it's because we had the food in our house and I have no freakin' will-power. Prior to this rampage there wasn't a piece of junk food in sight, but now that we are moved and settled we've got chips and donuts and cookies and cake in the house...and I've been eating it. :(
As Napoleon Dynamite would say: "GOSH!"
I should know better. In my binge eating group we learned about removing the triggers. I know my family would be fine with not having those things in the house...all I have to do is ask. But, part of me wants those things in the house...so I can have some if I want.
This is when I feel like screaming...when I feel a little hopeless. I feel like I'm never going to get myself under control, and it scares me because I'm working towards this lifestyle change...this surgery. I want to be successful with it. I've posted before about behavior changes and how important I think it is to change our behaviors before surgery.
I feel so empowered when I am able to avoid these triggers ...but why can't I feel like that all the time? Why don't I remember that empowered feeling when I'm stuffing my face with potato chips? I wish someone actually read by blog so they could comment. Maybe I will post this post on Obesity Help and get some feedback. I want to know if anyone else struggled/struggles with this and how they coped.
Well, you'll be hearing from me next Friday...after my appointment. I hope it's all good news!
Friday, May 21, 2010
Monday, May 3, 2010
11.5 pounds lost!
I haven't been as regular on here this past month, because I've been crazy busy with a move...and without internet for almost 2 weeks.
So, at the end of March I met with the nutritionist and had gained a few pounds...weighing in at 314 lbs! I made the mistake of going to Golden Corral (I feel like a cow just saying the name of this buffet..."Corral")...and ate WAY too much (will be avoiding all future buffets) right before meeting with my nutritionist (how dumb is that)! I swear 3-4 pounds of that gain was all of the food just sitting in my stomach.
Now it's the end of April. I just met with my nutritionist today...weighed in at 302.5! I've been pretty focused this past month and it has paid off. I've had to replace my morning meals with a protein drink and I've been more active. My eating has improved, but still not where I want it to be. I've gotten better at controlling portions, but there is still room for improvement in my food selection.
But, right now I won't go down that road. I'm celebrating my loss! YEA!
So, at the end of March I met with the nutritionist and had gained a few pounds...weighing in at 314 lbs! I made the mistake of going to Golden Corral (I feel like a cow just saying the name of this buffet..."Corral")...and ate WAY too much (will be avoiding all future buffets) right before meeting with my nutritionist (how dumb is that)! I swear 3-4 pounds of that gain was all of the food just sitting in my stomach.
Now it's the end of April. I just met with my nutritionist today...weighed in at 302.5! I've been pretty focused this past month and it has paid off. I've had to replace my morning meals with a protein drink and I've been more active. My eating has improved, but still not where I want it to be. I've gotten better at controlling portions, but there is still room for improvement in my food selection.
But, right now I won't go down that road. I'm celebrating my loss! YEA!
My Name is ****** and I'm a Food Addict...
Is there such a thing? An addiction to food? Well, if there aren't any documented cases then I guess I'm a scientific breakthrough. I don't know if it is food or sugar or both. It's almost as if I feel the "high" the most when I eat sugar, and I often feel withdrawls as well...strong cravings, irritability, insatiable hunger...
I've done well with my eating this week. Not perfect, but much better than in the past. I'm trying to lose weight by the end of April, which is my next weigh-in with the Nutritionist. I'm trying to follow her guidelines...not just because she asked me to, but because I want to change my relationship with food...I want to change how I think about it so that I can be successful after I have this surgery.
So, my eating this week: I've been replacing one meal with a protein drink. I've been making healtheir choices and been more conscious about portions. I've been avoiding late night snacking...and junk in general. LOTS of water.
Then I made brownies...chocolate peanut-butter brownies.
I made them for a family treat. I figured I could handle that because I'm not a big fan of brownies, so it won't be hard for me to avoid them.
Well, I decided to have one...just to try it (never had it with peanut butter). BIG mistake. I ate that brownie and it was like my body was saying, "wow...haven't had sugar in a while...haven't had chocolate in a while...NEED MORE!" Then my cravings started again. I guess I've been eating so crappy for so long I never noticed my body's response to foods like this. It wasn't just a mental craving...my body was physically wanting sugar. Why is that?
I know most people are overweight or obese because of a simple rule: MORE INPUT THAN OUTPUT. However, the "input" part is a little more complicated for me. At some point in my life food became more than just fuel for the body. Whether I consider it an addiction or not...there is a certain dependency there. Maybe a little bit of physical dependency, but for sure a mental dependency. That seems to lead to a horrible cycle. Mentally I eat out of habit or emotion - to numb myself or to "feel good," and it's almost always in excess. I do this long enough (8 yrs) and my body adapts in order to try and process eveything I eat...only it isn't meant to handle all of that extra fat...but it's been functioning for so long at that level it's as if (in the beginning) my body doesn't know what to do with itself when I try to take it in the right direction. I don't know if that makes sense, but it seems to correlate with obesity and diabetes.
My diabetes education nurse said it best (para-phrasing of course): "As a diabetic your body is used to having a higher than normal blood glucose level. So, as you begin to control the insulin in your body it will regulate the blood glucose level to a normal level. When levels start to even out you will notice (in the beginning) that you may experience the sensation of "low blood sugar," (jitters, dizziness, irritable), but when you sample your blood glucose level it will not be low, but will be within normal range. That is because your body is use to your glucose levels being higher."
So true! I also think my body is used to having certain food and my mind is definitely trained to overeat...so as I start changing all of this it's almost as if I'm putting my physical and mental state into "shock." Maybe not quite that dramatic...but you get the idea.
Then I binged on 4 pieces of toast with peanut butter and jam because I was trying to avoid the brownies and ended up eating all of that. WTF!
I was going to rip myself to shreds in this post, but the OLD me would do that and then give up and binge the rest of the week. But, I'm trying to break these nasty, self-defeating habits.
The NEW me says, "You screwed up...forgive...forget...make the next meal count and start exercising."
I've done well with my eating this week. Not perfect, but much better than in the past. I'm trying to lose weight by the end of April, which is my next weigh-in with the Nutritionist. I'm trying to follow her guidelines...not just because she asked me to, but because I want to change my relationship with food...I want to change how I think about it so that I can be successful after I have this surgery.
So, my eating this week: I've been replacing one meal with a protein drink. I've been making healtheir choices and been more conscious about portions. I've been avoiding late night snacking...and junk in general. LOTS of water.
Then I made brownies...chocolate peanut-butter brownies.
I made them for a family treat. I figured I could handle that because I'm not a big fan of brownies, so it won't be hard for me to avoid them.
Well, I decided to have one...just to try it (never had it with peanut butter). BIG mistake. I ate that brownie and it was like my body was saying, "wow...haven't had sugar in a while...haven't had chocolate in a while...NEED MORE!" Then my cravings started again. I guess I've been eating so crappy for so long I never noticed my body's response to foods like this. It wasn't just a mental craving...my body was physically wanting sugar. Why is that?
I know most people are overweight or obese because of a simple rule: MORE INPUT THAN OUTPUT. However, the "input" part is a little more complicated for me. At some point in my life food became more than just fuel for the body. Whether I consider it an addiction or not...there is a certain dependency there. Maybe a little bit of physical dependency, but for sure a mental dependency. That seems to lead to a horrible cycle. Mentally I eat out of habit or emotion - to numb myself or to "feel good," and it's almost always in excess. I do this long enough (8 yrs) and my body adapts in order to try and process eveything I eat...only it isn't meant to handle all of that extra fat...but it's been functioning for so long at that level it's as if (in the beginning) my body doesn't know what to do with itself when I try to take it in the right direction. I don't know if that makes sense, but it seems to correlate with obesity and diabetes.
My diabetes education nurse said it best (para-phrasing of course): "As a diabetic your body is used to having a higher than normal blood glucose level. So, as you begin to control the insulin in your body it will regulate the blood glucose level to a normal level. When levels start to even out you will notice (in the beginning) that you may experience the sensation of "low blood sugar," (jitters, dizziness, irritable), but when you sample your blood glucose level it will not be low, but will be within normal range. That is because your body is use to your glucose levels being higher."
So true! I also think my body is used to having certain food and my mind is definitely trained to overeat...so as I start changing all of this it's almost as if I'm putting my physical and mental state into "shock." Maybe not quite that dramatic...but you get the idea.
Then I binged on 4 pieces of toast with peanut butter and jam because I was trying to avoid the brownies and ended up eating all of that. WTF!
I was going to rip myself to shreds in this post, but the OLD me would do that and then give up and binge the rest of the week. But, I'm trying to break these nasty, self-defeating habits.
The NEW me says, "You screwed up...forgive...forget...make the next meal count and start exercising."
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