Next Friday (the 28th) I'm meeting with the program doctor. I will have my weigh-in. I'm a little nervous about that, because these past two weeks I've been on an eating rampage. I've just felt insatiable...partly because of my "monthly visitor" and the other part...well, I'm not sure. I think it's because we had the food in our house and I have no freakin' will-power. Prior to this rampage there wasn't a piece of junk food in sight, but now that we are moved and settled we've got chips and donuts and cookies and cake in the house...and I've been eating it. :(
As Napoleon Dynamite would say: "GOSH!"
I should know better. In my binge eating group we learned about removing the triggers. I know my family would be fine with not having those things in the house...all I have to do is ask. But, part of me wants those things in the house...so I can have some if I want.
This is when I feel like screaming...when I feel a little hopeless. I feel like I'm never going to get myself under control, and it scares me because I'm working towards this lifestyle change...this surgery. I want to be successful with it. I've posted before about behavior changes and how important I think it is to change our behaviors before surgery.
I feel so empowered when I am able to avoid these triggers ...but why can't I feel like that all the time? Why don't I remember that empowered feeling when I'm stuffing my face with potato chips? I wish someone actually read by blog so they could comment. Maybe I will post this post on Obesity Help and get some feedback. I want to know if anyone else struggled/struggles with this and how they coped.
Well, you'll be hearing from me next Friday...after my appointment. I hope it's all good news!
Showing posts with label Fat Feelings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fat Feelings. Show all posts
Friday, May 21, 2010
Monday, May 3, 2010
My Name is ****** and I'm a Food Addict...
Is there such a thing? An addiction to food? Well, if there aren't any documented cases then I guess I'm a scientific breakthrough. I don't know if it is food or sugar or both. It's almost as if I feel the "high" the most when I eat sugar, and I often feel withdrawls as well...strong cravings, irritability, insatiable hunger...
I've done well with my eating this week. Not perfect, but much better than in the past. I'm trying to lose weight by the end of April, which is my next weigh-in with the Nutritionist. I'm trying to follow her guidelines...not just because she asked me to, but because I want to change my relationship with food...I want to change how I think about it so that I can be successful after I have this surgery.
So, my eating this week: I've been replacing one meal with a protein drink. I've been making healtheir choices and been more conscious about portions. I've been avoiding late night snacking...and junk in general. LOTS of water.
Then I made brownies...chocolate peanut-butter brownies.
I made them for a family treat. I figured I could handle that because I'm not a big fan of brownies, so it won't be hard for me to avoid them.
Well, I decided to have one...just to try it (never had it with peanut butter). BIG mistake. I ate that brownie and it was like my body was saying, "wow...haven't had sugar in a while...haven't had chocolate in a while...NEED MORE!" Then my cravings started again. I guess I've been eating so crappy for so long I never noticed my body's response to foods like this. It wasn't just a mental craving...my body was physically wanting sugar. Why is that?
I know most people are overweight or obese because of a simple rule: MORE INPUT THAN OUTPUT. However, the "input" part is a little more complicated for me. At some point in my life food became more than just fuel for the body. Whether I consider it an addiction or not...there is a certain dependency there. Maybe a little bit of physical dependency, but for sure a mental dependency. That seems to lead to a horrible cycle. Mentally I eat out of habit or emotion - to numb myself or to "feel good," and it's almost always in excess. I do this long enough (8 yrs) and my body adapts in order to try and process eveything I eat...only it isn't meant to handle all of that extra fat...but it's been functioning for so long at that level it's as if (in the beginning) my body doesn't know what to do with itself when I try to take it in the right direction. I don't know if that makes sense, but it seems to correlate with obesity and diabetes.
My diabetes education nurse said it best (para-phrasing of course): "As a diabetic your body is used to having a higher than normal blood glucose level. So, as you begin to control the insulin in your body it will regulate the blood glucose level to a normal level. When levels start to even out you will notice (in the beginning) that you may experience the sensation of "low blood sugar," (jitters, dizziness, irritable), but when you sample your blood glucose level it will not be low, but will be within normal range. That is because your body is use to your glucose levels being higher."
So true! I also think my body is used to having certain food and my mind is definitely trained to overeat...so as I start changing all of this it's almost as if I'm putting my physical and mental state into "shock." Maybe not quite that dramatic...but you get the idea.
Then I binged on 4 pieces of toast with peanut butter and jam because I was trying to avoid the brownies and ended up eating all of that. WTF!
I was going to rip myself to shreds in this post, but the OLD me would do that and then give up and binge the rest of the week. But, I'm trying to break these nasty, self-defeating habits.
The NEW me says, "You screwed up...forgive...forget...make the next meal count and start exercising."
I've done well with my eating this week. Not perfect, but much better than in the past. I'm trying to lose weight by the end of April, which is my next weigh-in with the Nutritionist. I'm trying to follow her guidelines...not just because she asked me to, but because I want to change my relationship with food...I want to change how I think about it so that I can be successful after I have this surgery.
So, my eating this week: I've been replacing one meal with a protein drink. I've been making healtheir choices and been more conscious about portions. I've been avoiding late night snacking...and junk in general. LOTS of water.
Then I made brownies...chocolate peanut-butter brownies.
I made them for a family treat. I figured I could handle that because I'm not a big fan of brownies, so it won't be hard for me to avoid them.
Well, I decided to have one...just to try it (never had it with peanut butter). BIG mistake. I ate that brownie and it was like my body was saying, "wow...haven't had sugar in a while...haven't had chocolate in a while...NEED MORE!" Then my cravings started again. I guess I've been eating so crappy for so long I never noticed my body's response to foods like this. It wasn't just a mental craving...my body was physically wanting sugar. Why is that?
I know most people are overweight or obese because of a simple rule: MORE INPUT THAN OUTPUT. However, the "input" part is a little more complicated for me. At some point in my life food became more than just fuel for the body. Whether I consider it an addiction or not...there is a certain dependency there. Maybe a little bit of physical dependency, but for sure a mental dependency. That seems to lead to a horrible cycle. Mentally I eat out of habit or emotion - to numb myself or to "feel good," and it's almost always in excess. I do this long enough (8 yrs) and my body adapts in order to try and process eveything I eat...only it isn't meant to handle all of that extra fat...but it's been functioning for so long at that level it's as if (in the beginning) my body doesn't know what to do with itself when I try to take it in the right direction. I don't know if that makes sense, but it seems to correlate with obesity and diabetes.
My diabetes education nurse said it best (para-phrasing of course): "As a diabetic your body is used to having a higher than normal blood glucose level. So, as you begin to control the insulin in your body it will regulate the blood glucose level to a normal level. When levels start to even out you will notice (in the beginning) that you may experience the sensation of "low blood sugar," (jitters, dizziness, irritable), but when you sample your blood glucose level it will not be low, but will be within normal range. That is because your body is use to your glucose levels being higher."
So true! I also think my body is used to having certain food and my mind is definitely trained to overeat...so as I start changing all of this it's almost as if I'm putting my physical and mental state into "shock." Maybe not quite that dramatic...but you get the idea.
Then I binged on 4 pieces of toast with peanut butter and jam because I was trying to avoid the brownies and ended up eating all of that. WTF!
I was going to rip myself to shreds in this post, but the OLD me would do that and then give up and binge the rest of the week. But, I'm trying to break these nasty, self-defeating habits.
The NEW me says, "You screwed up...forgive...forget...make the next meal count and start exercising."
Saturday, March 27, 2010
The Mental Preparation
When I first found out that I had to complete a 9 month supervised diet I wanted to throw in the towel. I had already decided what surgery to get...done all my research...been fat for WAY too long - I was ready to have this surgery NOW!
BUT - this 9 month wait has been a blessing in disguise. It's given me time to educate myself more and prepare myself mentally. It has actually gone pretty fast and I only have 3 more months left of it.
Which leads me to AH-HA #2: Preparation
We all know that WLS is only a tool...not an answer. But, I have to be honest,when I first made the decision to start the required 9 month diet for surgery I didn't really want to think about lifestyle changes. I just figured I would stuff my face and exercise when I felt like it (which was rare) and it wouldn't matter if I lost or gained any weight before the surgery, because the surgery would take care of it for me. I was also counting on the surgery to change a lot of other things too:
"When I have surgery I won't have any cravings, so I won't worry about them now."
UMM....NOPE! According to most post-op surgery folks they say they have to overcome a lot of "mental hunger/mental cravings" after surgery. Most cravings are mental, and often a response to an emotion we are feeling (even if we don't realize it). That's why I've been recently working on distracting myself when I get a craving...I got that from my Binge Eating Group. First, when I have a craving (or "think" I'm hungry) I have to wait 10 minutes to see if the craving/hunger is still there. I have to evaulate when I last ate to determine if I'm actually hungry or if it's a mental hunger. During those 10 min I find something else to keep my mind occupied (brush teeth, do some stretches, change rooms or activities, etc). Most of the time it works for me. In the beginning it was hard. First few days I gave into the craving. Next few days I would give into the craving, but replace the junk food with a healthy one. I usually crave sweets, so instead of going for cookies or sweet cereal I would grab a piece of fruit. After about 2 weeks I found I was craving things less and less. Maybe due to awareness? Maybe due to avoiding trigger foods? Maybe a combination of both.
(Side Note: my psychologist required me to attend 4 weekly sessions of a Binge Eating Support Group. When she told me that I thought to myself, "Right...like that is really going to benefit me." It has really helped me to be more concientious and gave me coping strategies)
"When I have surgery all of my old eating habits will just go away."
AGAIN...NOPE! I'm an emotional eater and a habitual eater. Meaning I eat when I'm down or upset...for comfort, and I eat out of habit - even if I'm not hungry. My worst habit is eating at night...around 8pm. It's my unwind time in front of the TV. It's like whenver I sit in front of the TV I feel like I need to have something to eat. Most of the time I'm not really even hungry...it's just this habit...this behavior of TV and food going hand-in-hand. This has been a hard one for me to break. I have good and bad days. Right now I'm just trying to focus on eating a healthy, portion-controlled snack...as I wean myself off of this behavior.
As far as the emotional eating, I'm also working on that. One coping strategy (learned in my Binge Group) is relaxation. When I'm emotional I sometimes don't think clearly...and I sometimes prefer not to think at all, which is why I end up eating until I'm so uncomfortably stuffed. By practicing my relaxation techniques it really clears my mind. It's kind of like a "restart" button when your mind is just overloaded. It works REALLY well when I do it. The part I'm having to learn is recognizing when I need to step back and take a chill pill before I self-medicate with food. It's a work in progress.
"When I have my surgery exercise will be so much easier."
Well, YES and NO. Yes, it will be easier on the body because I won't be carrying around all of that weight. But, I don't think getting into the habit of exercise will be much easier than now. Why not try and get into the habit NOW? Right now I'm trying these walking dvd's at home. They are perfect, because I get moving, but they aren't so hard that I never want to do them again.
Anyway, I've come to realize that if I truly want to be successful in using my WLS tool, then I need to prepare myself NOW and not count on the surgery to take care of it all for me. I'm glad I've had 9 months to figure this out and prepare myself. I'm glad I have a really good bariatric program that provides me with the tools to succeed after WLS.
BUT - this 9 month wait has been a blessing in disguise. It's given me time to educate myself more and prepare myself mentally. It has actually gone pretty fast and I only have 3 more months left of it.
Which leads me to AH-HA #2: Preparation
We all know that WLS is only a tool...not an answer. But, I have to be honest,when I first made the decision to start the required 9 month diet for surgery I didn't really want to think about lifestyle changes. I just figured I would stuff my face and exercise when I felt like it (which was rare) and it wouldn't matter if I lost or gained any weight before the surgery, because the surgery would take care of it for me. I was also counting on the surgery to change a lot of other things too:
"When I have surgery I won't have any cravings, so I won't worry about them now."
UMM....NOPE! According to most post-op surgery folks they say they have to overcome a lot of "mental hunger/mental cravings" after surgery. Most cravings are mental, and often a response to an emotion we are feeling (even if we don't realize it). That's why I've been recently working on distracting myself when I get a craving...I got that from my Binge Eating Group. First, when I have a craving (or "think" I'm hungry) I have to wait 10 minutes to see if the craving/hunger is still there. I have to evaulate when I last ate to determine if I'm actually hungry or if it's a mental hunger. During those 10 min I find something else to keep my mind occupied (brush teeth, do some stretches, change rooms or activities, etc). Most of the time it works for me. In the beginning it was hard. First few days I gave into the craving. Next few days I would give into the craving, but replace the junk food with a healthy one. I usually crave sweets, so instead of going for cookies or sweet cereal I would grab a piece of fruit. After about 2 weeks I found I was craving things less and less. Maybe due to awareness? Maybe due to avoiding trigger foods? Maybe a combination of both.
(Side Note: my psychologist required me to attend 4 weekly sessions of a Binge Eating Support Group. When she told me that I thought to myself, "Right...like that is really going to benefit me." It has really helped me to be more concientious and gave me coping strategies)
"When I have surgery all of my old eating habits will just go away."
AGAIN...NOPE! I'm an emotional eater and a habitual eater. Meaning I eat when I'm down or upset...for comfort, and I eat out of habit - even if I'm not hungry. My worst habit is eating at night...around 8pm. It's my unwind time in front of the TV. It's like whenver I sit in front of the TV I feel like I need to have something to eat. Most of the time I'm not really even hungry...it's just this habit...this behavior of TV and food going hand-in-hand. This has been a hard one for me to break. I have good and bad days. Right now I'm just trying to focus on eating a healthy, portion-controlled snack...as I wean myself off of this behavior.
As far as the emotional eating, I'm also working on that. One coping strategy (learned in my Binge Group) is relaxation. When I'm emotional I sometimes don't think clearly...and I sometimes prefer not to think at all, which is why I end up eating until I'm so uncomfortably stuffed. By practicing my relaxation techniques it really clears my mind. It's kind of like a "restart" button when your mind is just overloaded. It works REALLY well when I do it. The part I'm having to learn is recognizing when I need to step back and take a chill pill before I self-medicate with food. It's a work in progress.
"When I have my surgery exercise will be so much easier."
Well, YES and NO. Yes, it will be easier on the body because I won't be carrying around all of that weight. But, I don't think getting into the habit of exercise will be much easier than now. Why not try and get into the habit NOW? Right now I'm trying these walking dvd's at home. They are perfect, because I get moving, but they aren't so hard that I never want to do them again.
Anyway, I've come to realize that if I truly want to be successful in using my WLS tool, then I need to prepare myself NOW and not count on the surgery to take care of it all for me. I'm glad I've had 9 months to figure this out and prepare myself. I'm glad I have a really good bariatric program that provides me with the tools to succeed after WLS.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
The Beginning
I think the first time I heard about weight loss surgery (WLS) was around 2003...I was around 23...and weighed about 265 lbs. I had a co-worker that had heard about it and was considering it, but didn't know much about it. So we did a little internet research to find out more and it kind of freaked us out.
The first thing we came across was before and after pictures of people who had Roux-en-Y. They were very dramatic and graphic...with loose skin hanging all over the place...it looked like these people were buried in their skin. Then we read about what the surgery involved and all the risks and came across a few bad stories. That was enough to make my friend think twice.
From that point on, WLS was always a distant thought in my mind. My first thoughts were, "I would like to lose weight, but WLS is too extreme...what if I end up looking like a pile of skin?" I figured I would have to lose weight without surgery, so over the next few years I tried many diets. Diets I had already tried before...Slim Fast, Dexitrim, Atkins, South Beach, Weight Watchers, Low-Calorie...you name it. I found I lost the most weight with Atkins and Weight Watchers, so I would lose anywhere from 25-50 pounds...only to gain it back and then return to one of the two diets because I knew I could always get some sort of results.
Then I started hearing about famous actors/actresses having WLS, and it peaked my interest again. If these people were having it and they didn't look like a pile of skin then maybe I should research some more. In 2008, after spending several months researching I had decided to have the Lap Band procedure. I felt it was less extreme and more easily reversible...not to mention it was also much more affordable than Roux-en-Y. I had my money all ready, my surgery scheduled in Mexico...I was ready to go. Unfortunately, some unexpected events occurred that required me to use my surgery money. I was so disappointed, and had decided that I should just accept the fact that I will have to live the rest of my life as a fat ass!
So, if I was going to be fat for the rest of my life I might as well "enjoy" the only "fun" thing about being fat: eating whatever I wanted and not caring about it. Accept deep down I did care. I felt disgusting and fat and out of control and hopeless. That is when I peaked at my highest lifetime weight: 335 pounds! That is also when I was diagnosed with Type II Diabetes, Hypertension and eventually sleep apnea...all at the age of 29! It was all so overwhelming and depressing. I had to be a little more conscious of what I ate and began to lose weight…about 25 pounds.
And then in 2009 we moved to another state, and I got new insurance…and guess what? They cover WLS (with a catch – that’s for another post)!
I still wanted the Lap Band procedure, but a friend on the Obesity Help website recommended researching Roux-en-Y and a few other WLS surgeries before deciding. I’m so glad I did, because I decided to get the Roux-en-Y procedure. After talking to my Primary Care Physician (PCP) and looking into all the different type of WLS surgeries, and then attending a seminar on them I feel confident that the Roux-en-Y procedure will be the best tool for me! I can’t wait!
The first thing we came across was before and after pictures of people who had Roux-en-Y. They were very dramatic and graphic...with loose skin hanging all over the place...it looked like these people were buried in their skin. Then we read about what the surgery involved and all the risks and came across a few bad stories. That was enough to make my friend think twice.
From that point on, WLS was always a distant thought in my mind. My first thoughts were, "I would like to lose weight, but WLS is too extreme...what if I end up looking like a pile of skin?" I figured I would have to lose weight without surgery, so over the next few years I tried many diets. Diets I had already tried before...Slim Fast, Dexitrim, Atkins, South Beach, Weight Watchers, Low-Calorie...you name it. I found I lost the most weight with Atkins and Weight Watchers, so I would lose anywhere from 25-50 pounds...only to gain it back and then return to one of the two diets because I knew I could always get some sort of results.
Then I started hearing about famous actors/actresses having WLS, and it peaked my interest again. If these people were having it and they didn't look like a pile of skin then maybe I should research some more. In 2008, after spending several months researching I had decided to have the Lap Band procedure. I felt it was less extreme and more easily reversible...not to mention it was also much more affordable than Roux-en-Y. I had my money all ready, my surgery scheduled in Mexico...I was ready to go. Unfortunately, some unexpected events occurred that required me to use my surgery money. I was so disappointed, and had decided that I should just accept the fact that I will have to live the rest of my life as a fat ass!
So, if I was going to be fat for the rest of my life I might as well "enjoy" the only "fun" thing about being fat: eating whatever I wanted and not caring about it. Accept deep down I did care. I felt disgusting and fat and out of control and hopeless. That is when I peaked at my highest lifetime weight: 335 pounds! That is also when I was diagnosed with Type II Diabetes, Hypertension and eventually sleep apnea...all at the age of 29! It was all so overwhelming and depressing. I had to be a little more conscious of what I ate and began to lose weight…about 25 pounds.
And then in 2009 we moved to another state, and I got new insurance…and guess what? They cover WLS (with a catch – that’s for another post)!
I still wanted the Lap Band procedure, but a friend on the Obesity Help website recommended researching Roux-en-Y and a few other WLS surgeries before deciding. I’m so glad I did, because I decided to get the Roux-en-Y procedure. After talking to my Primary Care Physician (PCP) and looking into all the different type of WLS surgeries, and then attending a seminar on them I feel confident that the Roux-en-Y procedure will be the best tool for me! I can’t wait!
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