After my 6 days of sticking to the liquids...it went downhill. I decided it would be okay to cheat one day. Then one day turned into 5 days! I have been eating regular meals...even went out to eat and haven't touched my protein in 5 days! Haven't exercised in 5 days!What in the HELL am I doing?! In two days I go for my pre-op testing and meetings. When they see my weight I'm sure they are going to kick me to the curb. Overall I've come away with a loss. However, I have gained about 6 lbs since my last weigh-in. I should have lost 10-15lbs by now on this liquid diet.
Now I'm questioning myself.
Am I meant to have this surgery if I can't even stick to the pre-op diet? Do I really deserve this now? I am totally kicking my ass over all of this and I'm in panic mode. It's like I'm trying to sabotage myself - WHY?
I'm having a hard time parting with food, but I need to keep reminding myself that I will be able to eat again. I don't ever want to eat again like I have been, but it's not like I will be on liquids the rest of my life. The liquids just seem so restrictive...and I was missing my old pal. Why do I have to feel like this about food?
Hi, my name is ---------------- and I'm a food addict!
I wish I could run. That use to be my release before I gained 150 pounds! I feel like I need to run until the craziness goes away. That would feel so good right now. But, instead I turn to food. Perhaps that is why I started eating during my liquids diet? Once again I use food as a coping tool. As my therapist has pointed out in the past...I go on "auto pilot" so I don't have to think about how I'm feeling or why I'm doing what I'm doing. I should have been seeing here during these two weeks.
Gosh, I'm just rambling and babbling.
I feel really alone right now. I read about people on OH or talk to people from my bariatric program that are doing so great in preparing for surgery. They've all lost weight. They are all focused. They are all doing what they are supposed to.
I think I'm going to go exercise and release some of this. Maybe it will help feel a little better. BLAH!
Showing posts with label Food Addiction. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Food Addiction. Show all posts
Monday, September 6, 2010
Monday, May 3, 2010
My Name is ****** and I'm a Food Addict...
Is there such a thing? An addiction to food? Well, if there aren't any documented cases then I guess I'm a scientific breakthrough. I don't know if it is food or sugar or both. It's almost as if I feel the "high" the most when I eat sugar, and I often feel withdrawls as well...strong cravings, irritability, insatiable hunger...
I've done well with my eating this week. Not perfect, but much better than in the past. I'm trying to lose weight by the end of April, which is my next weigh-in with the Nutritionist. I'm trying to follow her guidelines...not just because she asked me to, but because I want to change my relationship with food...I want to change how I think about it so that I can be successful after I have this surgery.
So, my eating this week: I've been replacing one meal with a protein drink. I've been making healtheir choices and been more conscious about portions. I've been avoiding late night snacking...and junk in general. LOTS of water.
Then I made brownies...chocolate peanut-butter brownies.
I made them for a family treat. I figured I could handle that because I'm not a big fan of brownies, so it won't be hard for me to avoid them.
Well, I decided to have one...just to try it (never had it with peanut butter). BIG mistake. I ate that brownie and it was like my body was saying, "wow...haven't had sugar in a while...haven't had chocolate in a while...NEED MORE!" Then my cravings started again. I guess I've been eating so crappy for so long I never noticed my body's response to foods like this. It wasn't just a mental craving...my body was physically wanting sugar. Why is that?
I know most people are overweight or obese because of a simple rule: MORE INPUT THAN OUTPUT. However, the "input" part is a little more complicated for me. At some point in my life food became more than just fuel for the body. Whether I consider it an addiction or not...there is a certain dependency there. Maybe a little bit of physical dependency, but for sure a mental dependency. That seems to lead to a horrible cycle. Mentally I eat out of habit or emotion - to numb myself or to "feel good," and it's almost always in excess. I do this long enough (8 yrs) and my body adapts in order to try and process eveything I eat...only it isn't meant to handle all of that extra fat...but it's been functioning for so long at that level it's as if (in the beginning) my body doesn't know what to do with itself when I try to take it in the right direction. I don't know if that makes sense, but it seems to correlate with obesity and diabetes.
My diabetes education nurse said it best (para-phrasing of course): "As a diabetic your body is used to having a higher than normal blood glucose level. So, as you begin to control the insulin in your body it will regulate the blood glucose level to a normal level. When levels start to even out you will notice (in the beginning) that you may experience the sensation of "low blood sugar," (jitters, dizziness, irritable), but when you sample your blood glucose level it will not be low, but will be within normal range. That is because your body is use to your glucose levels being higher."
So true! I also think my body is used to having certain food and my mind is definitely trained to overeat...so as I start changing all of this it's almost as if I'm putting my physical and mental state into "shock." Maybe not quite that dramatic...but you get the idea.
Then I binged on 4 pieces of toast with peanut butter and jam because I was trying to avoid the brownies and ended up eating all of that. WTF!
I was going to rip myself to shreds in this post, but the OLD me would do that and then give up and binge the rest of the week. But, I'm trying to break these nasty, self-defeating habits.
The NEW me says, "You screwed up...forgive...forget...make the next meal count and start exercising."
I've done well with my eating this week. Not perfect, but much better than in the past. I'm trying to lose weight by the end of April, which is my next weigh-in with the Nutritionist. I'm trying to follow her guidelines...not just because she asked me to, but because I want to change my relationship with food...I want to change how I think about it so that I can be successful after I have this surgery.
So, my eating this week: I've been replacing one meal with a protein drink. I've been making healtheir choices and been more conscious about portions. I've been avoiding late night snacking...and junk in general. LOTS of water.
Then I made brownies...chocolate peanut-butter brownies.
I made them for a family treat. I figured I could handle that because I'm not a big fan of brownies, so it won't be hard for me to avoid them.
Well, I decided to have one...just to try it (never had it with peanut butter). BIG mistake. I ate that brownie and it was like my body was saying, "wow...haven't had sugar in a while...haven't had chocolate in a while...NEED MORE!" Then my cravings started again. I guess I've been eating so crappy for so long I never noticed my body's response to foods like this. It wasn't just a mental craving...my body was physically wanting sugar. Why is that?
I know most people are overweight or obese because of a simple rule: MORE INPUT THAN OUTPUT. However, the "input" part is a little more complicated for me. At some point in my life food became more than just fuel for the body. Whether I consider it an addiction or not...there is a certain dependency there. Maybe a little bit of physical dependency, but for sure a mental dependency. That seems to lead to a horrible cycle. Mentally I eat out of habit or emotion - to numb myself or to "feel good," and it's almost always in excess. I do this long enough (8 yrs) and my body adapts in order to try and process eveything I eat...only it isn't meant to handle all of that extra fat...but it's been functioning for so long at that level it's as if (in the beginning) my body doesn't know what to do with itself when I try to take it in the right direction. I don't know if that makes sense, but it seems to correlate with obesity and diabetes.
My diabetes education nurse said it best (para-phrasing of course): "As a diabetic your body is used to having a higher than normal blood glucose level. So, as you begin to control the insulin in your body it will regulate the blood glucose level to a normal level. When levels start to even out you will notice (in the beginning) that you may experience the sensation of "low blood sugar," (jitters, dizziness, irritable), but when you sample your blood glucose level it will not be low, but will be within normal range. That is because your body is use to your glucose levels being higher."
So true! I also think my body is used to having certain food and my mind is definitely trained to overeat...so as I start changing all of this it's almost as if I'm putting my physical and mental state into "shock." Maybe not quite that dramatic...but you get the idea.
Then I binged on 4 pieces of toast with peanut butter and jam because I was trying to avoid the brownies and ended up eating all of that. WTF!
I was going to rip myself to shreds in this post, but the OLD me would do that and then give up and binge the rest of the week. But, I'm trying to break these nasty, self-defeating habits.
The NEW me says, "You screwed up...forgive...forget...make the next meal count and start exercising."
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